Advice a friend who responds to conflict by using the strategies below on why each [strategy] is not healthy for sustaining positive relationships.
a. Avoidance
b. Confrontation
Answers
I’m super conflict avoidant (less so now, as age and wisdom have pried me from it).
No advice is going to change a person’s fundamental nature. There may come a time in your friend’s life when s/he has been particularly burned by avoidance, and you can be there to offer support, but even then it’s not ideal to start coaching about how s/he needs to change. Instead, use those experiences to create a safe space for your friend, because that safety is what the person craves.
As to the second part, it’s devastating to relationships because every relationship has an inherent power imbalance. Even if your friend isn’t with someone who will exploit that (which s/he will probably default to for the reasons that gave rise to avoidance in the first place) the other person in every relationship will always hold all the power. Conflict is a natural byproduct of sharing your life with a person—from 3 year-old siblings to couples that have been married for 30 years. Skills for navigating conflict are required in even the best relationships.
The funny thing is, I’m writing this while in the middle of one of the few hard conflicts I’ve gone through with the woman I love, who is also extremely conflict avoidant. I’m not worried about the future of our relationship or whether we each love the other unconditionally, and I’ll likely use this answer as a bid to start a more productive conversation than the one that had me sitting at the computer instead of being with her. Both of our prior relationships were awful for reasons that made me feel I should try to answer this question, and trying to avoid conflict in a basically happy, healthy relationship between two people who love each other deeply didn’t work. Learning how to get over the conflict “hump” in any given issue and start healing, improving, addressing, etc., has been great, but hard, even between two people who want to avoid, instead of address, conflict.
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