dear grind mother how are you i am fined here i think you is also very fined there how are my mothers health i want to see you all very soon I'll becoming there very soon i take live of you now error analysis
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metting I'd:7233892033 pswd:12345 for g.i.r.l.s
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As I approach this October 23rd, I find it hard to parse my feelings. I feel good, bad, grateful, deprived, strong, vulnerable, and a hundred other things. My memories, thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about life and loss have gotten all mixed up.
I am a paradox of opposite emotions, which is confusing but fine. Life after a loss is merely perplexing, and if I didn’t know it was normal to experience grief years after a loss, I think I’d be feeling pretty crazy right about now.
As the years roll by, my feelings of loss change shape, and I’ve noticed that lately, they’re fixated on the passage of time. I’ve found that the more time I place between my mother and me, the more acutely I ache for the past.
My mother was “home” – it existed within her – and now that she’s gone, I’ll never be able to truly return. I’m untethered, yet I’m supposed to moor my own children to the world. It’s baffling to think that I’m their stability when so many days I feel like a crumbling pile of sand. I wonder if my mother ever felt this way – washed away by the tide and rebuilt again by the children the next day. There are so many things I wish I could ask her.
“Time heals all wounds” is a particularly laughable phrase among people who are grieving. Time doesn’t heal all wounds; it just rolls in like a slow-motion tsunami and carries you off down the shore. Yes, you may find yourself removed from the extreme intensity of grief, but you’re also further from the physical reality of your loved one and a past where they could be heard, seen, and embraced. Time doesn’t heal all wounds; it simply creates a distance. And realistically, who wants to put distance between themselves and someone they love?
On the other side of the paradox is the reality that so many roads still lead back to her. Over time she has become a part of me, my children, and my family on a cellular level. Physically she is very gone, but psychologically she is