Develop a conversation between you and your chum about the qualities of a true player
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Though we appreciate charm when we find it, most of us rarely think of consciously setting out to be charming. The very idea of learning to be more charming sounds off-key, for we tend to believe at some level that we are simply born charming (or not) – and that any conscious attempt to acquire the quality would be fatefully lacking in authenticity. In other words, it seems rather wrong to think too hard about trying to get people to like us. That’s a pity, given how many important things need to be accompanied by a dose of charm in order to get going in the world. Ideas, projects, political proposals and people all stand in need of being presented in a charming way if they are to succeed and win an audience. It therefore seems a grievous surrender to fortune to leave charm only to those who spontaneously possess it – or to the apparently unscrupulous who are sanguine about plotting directly to obtain it. The first thing we need to get straight is what we want to be charming for. This requires us to ask a prior question: what is friendship for? Friendship should be one of the high points of existence, and yet it’s also the most routinely disappointing reality. Too often, you’re at supper at someone’s house: there’s an impressive spread and the hosts have evidently gone to a lot of trouble. But the conversation is meandering and devoid of real interest. It flits from an over-long description of the failings of the inflight service on a particular airline to a strangely heated discussion about the tax code. The intentions of the hosts are hugely touching, but (as so often) we go home wondering what on earth the whole performance was about. The key to the problem of friendship is found in an odd-sounding place: a lack of a sense of purpose. Our attempts at friendship tend to go adrift, because we collectively resist the task of developing a clear picture of what friendship is really for. The problem is that we are unfairly uncomfortable with the idea of friendship having any declared purpose, because we associate purpose with the least attractive and most cynical motives. Yet purpose doesn’t have to ruin friendship and in fact, the more we define what a friendship might be for, the more we can focus in on what we should be doing with every person Firstly: Networking It’s an unfairly maligned idea. We are small, fragile creatures in a vast world. Secondly: Reassurance The human condition is full of terror. We are always on the verge of disgrace, danger and disappointment. Thirdly: Fun Despite talk of hedonism and immediate gratification, life gives us constant lessons in the need to be seriouse . Fourthly: Clarifying our Minds To a surprising degree, it is very hard to think on our own. Fifthly: Holding on to the past A number of friends have nothing to say to whom we are now, but we keep seeing them, get a little bored in their company