Question

What are the condition should we face when we were like Amanda

Answer 1

I feel it’s time to write to you. You have been a part of my life for so long, causing me pain ranging from a slight ache to unbearable agony. I have known you from the age of 13 and despite a hiatus for several years, we suddenly seem to have developed an unsettling, formidable, and hugely influential relationship that is having an enormous effect on my personal and professional life.

Despite not materialising much during my 20s and early 30s, I guess you were always there. Watching and waiting to rear your (apologies – as I know you extremely well and know you deserve much respect but I must say it) ugly head once more.

Most times I beat you and you know it. At times I can handle you and control you, regulating my physical and emotional pain. It exhausts me, but it makes me feel fantastic too. I love life and the people I have in it. I so just want to enjoy them and to show them happiness too.

However, you recognise the difficulty I have in keeping control at other times and my inability to cling on to and use all the wonderful and happy things in my life to keep me afloat. You use this against me, and to full effect. When you are absent I feel so happy and unbelievably lucky with the life I have. So why do you have to return, become such a blatant presence and cast that all aside? You creep like a mist floating through my very reason, cast moments of doubt and leave me feeling as if a dark cloud is about to descend. It inevitably does. Despite my resistance, I feel like I am being pulled under water for the umpteenth time. My mind becomes vague and my thoughts unclear. I embarrass myself time and again when speech becomes difficult: the simplest of words balancing precariously on the tip of my tongue. My inability to express myself, with the vast vocabulary within my possession, is torture. You make me feel foolish. I doubt my own intelligence. Those close to me become the enemy, as if you want me all to yourself. Despite desiring escape to the very core of my body, and the avoidance of putting my loved ones through this, I feel helpless. I feel you take control over my desires, my ability to communicate, show affection and just be my normal happy self. You knock me and smash me until my strength has gone and then you know when to strike that final blow to make my life feel utterly pointless and hopeless. I can’t do anything but admire your strength and persistence, despite its effect on me. I only wish I could transfer that strength to my ability to fight you.