What did you always wanted to try but never found the courage to do? ...
Answers
you can do anything in your life. if your mind is rigid then even the impossible becomes possible
Explanation:
Since I have a fierce defiance of this system there are a lot of things I've always wanted to try. Unfortunately I know that if I ever did I would be in jail, the mental institution, or six feet under with no marker. So I keep those things suppressed. However, there is something I've always wanted to try but have been too scared to. So far that is.
In this life I have always been on the defense. My words have never had any weight because I have always been forced into a position to justify my odd thoughts and behavior. But it's not just that. I was under developed and undersized so other kids could always have it their way and I couldn't do anything about it. But I didn't want to. All I wanted was, for them to accept me and I would earn my right to their attention by entertaining and serving them. That probably seems strange but I think that even at a young age I intuited what I am.
So here's the deal. As a ‘Klinefelter's Syndrome' male I was born sterile, lacked the muscle strength of the average male, had a somewhat feminine skeletal structure, was void of competitive male instincts, and it was all topped off with a shy, sensitive, and eager to please nature. So I've always wondered, what do I really have to offer? What is my purpose here? Am I just an error that's allowed to exist?
As a child my status in society was just below girls but slightly above the mentally and physically handicapped. As an adult I acquired some skills and moved my social status up a little. For a brief period I almost experienced male privilege. I had naturally increased this body testosterone production through strength training. But that was short lived because the body's hormone production changed. Before I knew it my lover challenged me for dominance in the relationship. Since she had dislocating my shoulder during some playful wrestling several months earlier, I was afraid to fight for the right to have the final say in things, ever again. So it appears my social status has returned to it's original position.
As you can see, getting to call the shots is something I seldom get to experience. So here's something I've always wanted to try but have been too scared to. I've always wanted to try to call the shots concerning my death. This should be understandable since I was often deprived of this privilege in life. I want to decide when, where, and how I die. I've got a soft spot for ritual human sacrifice. And I'm an exhibitionist, so it has to be captured on film.
The timing has to be just right. You can't rush a thing like that. But you need to do it when you're still sexy. Being fortunate in the genetic department and achieving a degree of mastery on how to keep this body in mint condition, it actually still looks good at 64. With a hood on I might be able to push it a few more years. After that the window of opportunity will close fast. But I am still too scared to try it. And I don't want to pay some thug several grand when the cost of murder is at an time low and dropping fast. How's that going to look in the after life when word gets around that I could have made my own stuff film for thousands less?
This may seem live a strange thing to have always wanted to try but have been too scared to. But for a person whose opinion never mattered, it's a way of having the last word. Or maybe I just want the experience of having someone's undivided attention to be the last thing I ever do.