Write a narrative writing on my life seemed meaningless but now everything had suddenly changed
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Now before you get angry about me trivializing depression or saying that I’ll never understand, let me explain that this comes from my own personal experience. I am sharing something that has helped me overcome the hardest moments in my life.
I am grateful to have lived a life where I did not have parents or loved ones tyrannized, manipulated or abused me. However, just because you have a normal upbringing and a relatively easy life does not mean you have no demons to face.
My life has been a blur up until college. I lived as a worry-free, happy-go-lucky guy throughout most of my life. I did not have a care in the world what the future held for me, and I lived for immediate gratification.
I loved playing games because I was decent at it. At times it seemed like it was the only thing I could be proud of. In hindsight, there may be no practical use for being good at a game but at the time it was a great confidence booster for me.
I did not try hard in school to set myself up for a great college or a great career. Life was filled with excuses and lies, to manipulate those around me to get what I wanted without remorse. I lied to my friends and family for sport. I stole money from my family to fuel my addiction.
I did not value money because I never worked hard to earn it myself. I always took my position in life for granted, babied by my parents and my sister. I did not know the concept of earning your keeps.
And now, in the present day, the accumulation of my carelessness and reckless abandon has left me lost, undisciplined and immature. While everyone grew up and slowly became adults, I stayed in the past as an adolescent and refused to look forward. I lived for the moment, and could care less what would happen five, ten years from now. I wanted to have fun and that was the core of my existence.
I have been unemployed ever since I graduated college. I’ve had a few interviews here and there, but have had no luck in securing a full time job yet. Again, I understand that the life I have lived is relatively better compared to the vast majority of people’s lives around the world. It hasn’t been so long and I could be dramatizing or romanticizing the situation, but the pain uncertainty I felt during this time of was certainly real.
The pain didn’t start only a few months ago. It’s been growing ever since my sophomore year of college. The pain of constant anxiety about the future, the realization of my complete and utterly embarrassing ignorance of the world, the sleepless nights where all my flaws exposed themselves without mercy.
There have been times where I felt physiological pain. I felt as if my heart physically ached. It got harder to breathe and even the thought of social interaction made me tired. I started becoming anti-social and always wanted to be alone. I dug further into the Internet, hoping to distract myself from these intruding thoughts.I’d consume every video, article, book and podcast to find out how to improve my life and stop these thoughts from bringing me down. In the moment, I felt relieved and felt motivated at times, thinking that I could finally change my life and become the person I was “destined to become”.
But I found that no matter how much self-help content I consumed, I was not changing in any way. I only grew more arrogant and condescending, thinking I was enlightened because I knew random facts about productivity and names of philosophers who thought deep thoughts.
I started to look down on my friends, because that was the only way I could lift myself up. I pushed down everyone to make myself look bigger. Outside, I tried to appear humble, confident and composed, but inside I was insecure, scared and lost.
It took me three years to finally realize that my depression came from inaction. It came from brooding on thoughts instead of moving my body and tackling the day. This explosion of productivity was only possible because I had accumulated three years of painful lessons and insights. I had to experience this pain before I could learn how to find the remedy.
It took me three years to build up the courage to change myself. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones. There are people out there who find that no matter what they do or try, they can’t get out of their heads and it ends up destroying them. They become shells of their former selves, and sometimes they don’t make it out the other side.
I want to help those who are struggling because I know how hard it was. The self-doubt, self-criticism, self-hate, self-judgment that overtakes your mind and does not let you escape.
I want you realize that it is almost impossible to eradicate these negative thoughts; it is a byproduct of being human. Maybe there are religions or philosophies out there which help you do that, but I’m going to tell you what has helped me.
( this is not my story its someone else story dont bash me if something wrong is written here )