Child acting - destroyer of childhood debate
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Praise: a Sweet Destroyer of Self-Esteem in Children
Written by Jennifer A. Williams / Parent Coach | May 14, 2015 4:00:00 PM
I came across an excellent article in USA Today, titled: "Yep, Life'll Burst That Self-Esteem Bubble," which eloquently outlines some of the flaws in the self-esteem movement that originated in the '70s and '80s. This topic caught my eye because I work with many very sincere and eager parents every day and observe how the building blocks of self-esteem often elude them. In one of my latest sessions we talked about how self-esteem is constructed and the difference between external and internal motivation.
Giving encouragement effectively
One of the myths about how to develop self-esteem in children is that it is important to use praise. It was once thought that the more praise, the higher the self-esteem. However, we're now reaping the results in a generation of sugar-coated kids, and it's not pretty. The data shows that the generation raised with loads of praise is lacking confidence, accountability, and competence. They have a difficult time with constructive, critical feedback, and they often struggle with self-entitlement and blame. And a very large majority of these young adults are not even hiring material. Sad but true.
Why Praise Leads to People Pleasing
So why isn't praise effective to build self-esteem, as originally thought? Let's define praise first. The dictionary says praise is "the act of expressing approval or admiration." The key word here is "approval." If a child is looking to please someone or to get approval from a parent or teacher, they focus on external adulation. Every adult wants slightly—or drastically—different things from a child, and different behaviors will please them. One parent may value speaking up for yourself. no matter what. Another might think politeness or kindness is more important. One teacher may want creativity and critical thinking, while another just wants the kid to follow the instructions to a T. Hmm. What a quandary if a child is looking to find the right combination to please everyone!
Praising children teaches children to look for approval
A child trying to please others will become an adult who is good at reading and pleasing others—"a people pleaser"—but not someone who is genuinely happy. Why? Because the child's attention is focused on approval from the outside, even at the expense of what the child feels or what is important to them. The more children and teens learn to face out and lean toward others to affirm themselves, the less secure their self-esteem becomes. If children's attention is captivated by continual external approval and rewards as they develop, they lose their internal compass to be happy and fulfilled. Waiting for their next dose of praise pulls their attention away from becoming aware of what feels right for them inside. Seeking approval habitually from the outside deteriorates approval from the inside.