Question

what it means if you are sucidal but you are too afraid to die​

Answer 1

Illustration by Brittany England

I don’t want to be here anymore, but I’m too afraid to die.

I typed this into Google a year ago, my hands shaking as I questioned what I meant. I didn’t want to be alive or exist anymore. But at the same time, I didn’t quite want to die.

I felt selfish as I typed it, thinking about all of the people who had been suicidal, worrying that I was being disrespectful to those who had actually lost their lives that way. I also wondered whether I was just being dramatic.

But I pressed enter anyway, desperate to find an answer for what I was feeling. To my surprise, I was met with search after search of the exact same question.

“I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist,” read one.

“I’m suicidal but I don’t want to die,” read another.