i meed a composition sample
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Answer:
Teacher Joe's Comments
(1) "Passion" is normally a non-count noun, especially in this expression, "full of passion". In any case, the word "passion" itself is not really appropriate considering the three ideas being expressed. Health and wealth are mentioned as necessities which add to the writer's quality of life, but they are not really "passions". If the writer loved to go the gym every single day of the week and practiced yoga, weight training, along with various other sports, then it might be called "a passion". "Wealth" is also "a passion" for some people who really do seem to live for money. They want all the money they can get - more, more, MORE! That's passion. This writer doesn't live for money, however, she only uses money to help her live a better life. For her, money is a tool, not a passion.
(2) Perhaps the word "and" was added by mistake. I think the writer wanted to write something like "I feel grateful for the chance to have lived a healthy and happy life". If the writer wants to keep "and", then a sentence such as "I feel grateful and happy to have lived a healthy life". "And" should connect two similar words or ideas.
(3) "Support" is what somebody, or some thing, gives to you. When I read "enough financial support", I think the writer wants support from her parents or maybe from the government. "Enough finances" or "sufficient finances" would be better, but the writer could even use the simple expression "enough money". It's better to use a simple word such as "money" correctly than to use a more formal word such as "finances" incorrectly.
(4) This sentence just repeats the same idea as the previous two sentences, only using different words. The writer's message is "Health is important. Health is important. Health is important." It seems the writer is just trying to show off her knowledge of English without communicating any message. In the revised essay below, notice how the first two sentences are combined to show cause and effect, while the third sentence is cut out completely.
(5) This is far too general. It's not bad grammatically but is quite boring. The reader must wonder if the writer is capable of describing a real achievement or not. The writer should give examples of achievements that she has achieved or hopes to achieve.
(6) The writer seems to be emphasizing health by writing "THE preliminary step", so "the first step" would be more clear. There might be many "preliminary" steps, which all might be necessary, but not so important.
(7) The first time this is mentioned, in the first paragraph, it may be okay to write it this way. However, the second time it is used, "my family's happiness" is much more natural. If the writer insists on using this awkward expression again, she should at least use an article: "The happiness of my family...".
(8) Again, the writer would show her ability to communicate in English if she gave an example or two instead of just using the general words "trouble" and "obstacle".
(9) "Money" is a non-count noun. We could say "millions of dollars", "millions of pounds", or "millions of yuan". Another possibility would be "a large amount of money".
(10) We suffer from a disease or some other bad situation. Writing "suffer from pain and agony" is like writing "suffering from suffering and suffering". The writer could change this to "living in pain and agony" or "experiencing pain and agony".
(11) This is a fair attempt at a transition to the next paragraph, but it could be better. See the revised essay for examples of smooth transitions between paragraphs.
(12) This sentence communicates nothing and should be cut.
"Keys to Happiness"
Looking back on the first twenty years of my life, lived with passion, energy and enthusiasm, I feel grateful to have been so healthy and happy. I owe my happiness to so many people and lucky events, but there are three key, fundamental factors that have guided me and supported me in my life. Those three keys to life are my physical health, healthy finances, and my family's happiness.
Health comes first for me, because without health everthing else is meaningless. Imagine starting a career without good health. Imagine starting a family without good health. Imagine achieving anything without good health. Clearly, good health is a basic, fundamental prerequisite for every other aspect of one's life